I'm going to offer a warning here. Any woman (or man, I guess) who owns a pair of these new trendy boots might not want to read this next post.


Seriously, what the hell is the deal with those? I first saw them in the late summer, and girls wearing them with shorts looked absolutely retarded. It was very reminiscent of the kid in grade school whose mom let him dress himself with disasterous results. Come on, who wears fuzzy boots? If anyone has any insight into what the hell is going on, please let me know, because I'm at a loss to explain this one.

Dear Desmond,

Since I can never catch you online these days and I'm leaving for Missouri tomorrow, I thought I'd leave this link for you. You can feel free to pass it along to Mark as well, although I know you guys don't know anything about it.

And I swear to you that if you ever get within zinging distance, I'll zing you so hard that it'll feel like your first time all over again.

Love,
Ryan

Fuck Everything, We're Doing Five Blades
February 18, 2004

James M. Kilts
CEO and President, The Gillette Company

Would someone tell me how this happened? We were the fucking vanguard of shaving in this country. The Gillette Mach3 was the razor to own. Then the other guy came out with a three-blade razor. Were we scared? Hell, no. Because we hit back with a little thing called the Mach3Turbo. That's three blades and an aloe strip. For moisture. But you know what happened next? Shut up, I'm telling you what happened - the bastards went to four blades. Now we're standing around with our cocks in our hands, selling three blades and a strip. Moisture or no, suddenly we're the chumps. Well, fuck it. We're going to five blades.Sure, we could go to four blades next, like the competition. That seems like the logical thing to do. After all, three worked out pretty well, and four is the next number after three. So let's play it safe. Let's make a thicker aloe strip and call it the Mach3SuperTurbo. Why innovate when we can follow? Oh, I know why: Because we're a business, that's why!

You think it's crazy? It is crazy. But I don't give a shit. From now on, we're the ones who have the edge in the multi-blade game. Are they the best a man can get? Fuck, no. Gillette is the best a man can get.

What part of this don't you understand? If two blades is good, and three blades is better, obviously five blades would make us the best fucking razor that ever existed. Comprende? We didn't claw our way to the top of the razor game by clinging to the two-blade industry standard. We got here by taking chances. Well, five blades is the biggest chance of all.

Here's the report from Engineering. Someone put it in the bathroom: I want to wipe my ass with it. They don't tell me what to invent - I tell them. And I'm telling them to stick two more blades in there. I don't care how. Make the blades so thin they're invisible. Put some on the handle. I don't care if they have to cram the fifth blade in perpendicular to the other four, just do it!

You're taking the "safety" part of "safety razor" too literally, grandma. Cut the strings and soar. Let's hit it. Let's roll. This is our chance to make razor history. Let's dream big. All you have to do is say that five blades can happen, and it will happen. If you aren't on board, then fuck you. And if you're on the board, then fuck you and your father. Hey, if I'm the only one who'll take risks, I'm sure as hell happy to hog all the glory when the five-blade razor becomes the shaving tool for the U.S. of "this is how we shave now" A.

People said we couldn't go to three. It'll cost a fortune to manufacture, they said. Well, we did it. Now some egghead in a lab is screaming "Five's crazy?" Well, perhaps he'd be more comfortable in the labs at Norelco, working on fucking electrics. Rotary blades, my white ass!Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe we should just ride in Bic's wake and make pens. Ha! Not on your fucking life! The day I shadow a penny-ante outfit like Bic is the day I leave the razor game for good, and that won't happen until the day I die!

The market? Listen, we make the market. All we have to do is put her out there with a little jingle. It's as easy as, "Hey, shaving with anything less than five blades is like scraping your beard off with a dull hatchet." Or "You'll be so smooth, I could snort lines off of your chin." Try "Your neck is going to be so friggin' soft, someone's gonna walk up and tie a goddamn Cub Scout kerchief under it."

I know what you're thinking now: What'll people say? Mew mew mew. Oh, no, what will people say?! Grow the fuck up. When you're on top, people talk. That's the price you pay for being on top. Which Gillette is, always has been, and forever shall be, Amen, five blades, sweet Jesus in heaven.

Stop. I just had a stroke of genius. Are you ready? Open your mouth, baby birds, cause Mama's about to drop you one sweet, fat nightcrawler. Here she comes: Put another aloe strip on that fucker, too. That's right. Five blades, two strips, and make the second one lather. You heard me - the second strip lathers. It's a whole new way to think about shaving. Don't question it. Don't say a word. Just key the music, and call the chorus girls, because we're on the edge - the razor's edge - and I feel like dancing.

I'm killing time on duty, so I thought I would give my post-election wrap up. It all went pretty much as I imagined it would, although Bush won by more in the popular vote than I had envisioned. I think, more than anything else, this election showed that mainstream America simply does not have the same set of ideals as does the modern day Democratic Party. For better or worse, that's simply how it's going to remain as long as they embrace a culture devoid of values and God. Say what you will about Karl Rove and Dick Cheney using fear to polarize the American people, the fact remains that Bush's message simply resonates with the American people. Nothing Maureen Dowd or Paul Krugman writes is going to change that.

With that being said, I hope Bush does find a way to bring alienated observers back into the political process. The polarization of America is a sad fact, and I'm not sure what can be done to rectify it. At this point, many on the left view the president as evil, and nothing he does is going to change that. I only hope that the country finds a way to come together, and that it doesn't take a major terrorist attack to accomplish it.

Looking to 2008, I think the democrats learned a lesson. They need a candidate with a message that will play across the country, not just small pockets of America. Unfortunately for them, the southern Democrat is fast becoming a relic of the past. Hillary is obviously the early frontrunner, but if she becomes the nominee, it will make the 2004 campaign look like a big party. Other names I've heard thrown around are Ed Rendell, Bill Richardson, and John Edwards. None really inspire me, but maybe they will wit America. The man I would like to see would be Joe Lieberman. He's a hawk on national security and strongly religious. He would be a solid choice for the party, but as this campaign showed, he'll probably never get through the primary.

Anyway, now that the election is over, I can get back to my first love: watching Kobe Bryant struggle. It's gonna take him a while to realize how good he had it with Shaq at his side, but soon enough, he'll see that Chris Mihm simply is not a worthy substitute.

Alright, this is it. My final projections for the 2004 presidential election. This is after months of painstaking analysis, poll tracking, and my whims and fancies. My final electoral count is 286-252 for the winner, and STILL the president of the United States, "The Master of Disaster," "The King of Sting," "The Count of Monte Fisto," George W. Bush!

As for a breakdown of states, it goes something like this (Bush states are in bold and Kerry states are in italics):

Alabama
Alaska
Arizona
Arkansas
California
Colorado
Connecticut
Deleware
District of Columbia
Florida
Georgia
Hawaii
Idaho
Illinois
Indiana
Iowa
Kansas
Kentucky
Louisiana
Maine
Maryland
Massachusetts
Michigan
Minnesota
Mississippi
Missouri
Montana
Nebraska
Nevada
New Hampshire
New Jersey
New Mexico
New York
North Carolina
North Dakota
Ohio
Oklahoma
Oregon
Pennsylvania
Rhode Island
South Carolina
South Dakota
Tennessee
Texas
Utah
Vermont
Virginia
Washington
West Virginia
Wisconsin
Wyoming

There you have it. I also think Bush will win the popular vote this time something along the lines of 49-47. Interestingly enough, this election has the possibility of the opposite effect of 2000, with Bush winning the popular vote but losing in the electoral college. For fans of irony, that would be quite a feat. If Kerry manages to get within half a percent nationwide, he should win in the electoral college. As for turnout, I think it will be around 115 million, up from 104 million in 2000, but not quite the 120 million that some analysts have predicted.

The key states are once again Florida, Pennsylvania, and Ohio. If Kerry can carry two of those three he'll probably win. The toughest states for me to decide were Ohio, Wisconsin, and Iowa.

Regardless of what happens, this election has the propensity to be an all night affair, so break out the caffeine, find a comfortable chair, and let the best man win.

My final election projections will be coming later today, when I isolate myself from the political punidts and prove my genius and political savvy. For now, I'll leave you with this thought from the most influential Christian intellectual of the twentieth entury:

"Our culture knows little of the use and abuse of power; but we (now) have to use power in global terms. Our idealists are divided between those who would renounce the responsibilities of power for the sake of preserving the purity of our soul and those who are ready to cover every ambiguity of good and evil in our actions by the frantic insistence that any measure taken in a good cause must be unequivocally virtuous. We take, and must continue to take, morally hazardous actions to preserve our civilization. We must exercise our power. But we ought neither to believe that a nation is capable of perfect disinterestedness in its exercise, nor become complacent about particular degrees of interest and passion which corrupt the justice by which the exercise of power is legitimized."

---Reinhold Niebuhr, 1952