The Parsons Theory of Presidential Politics
Policies don't matter. The only thing that does is connecting with voters. And the only way to do that is to be "cool."
"Coolness" is the strongest predictor of presidential elections that exists. Simply put, the "cooler" candidate wins every presidential election. To test this theory, let's examine every presidential election in the last 50 years.
2004: George W. Bush vs. John Kerry. One is a Texas cowboy. The other is a pseudo-intellectual Francophile. Advantage: W.
2000: W. vs Al Gore. This time, it's the cowboy against an actual intellectual. While real smart people are cooler than fake smart people, cowboys beat nerds every time. Advantage: W.
1996: Bill Clinton vs. Bob Dole. Say what you will about Clinton, the man was cool. Dole, on the other hand, came off like a crotchety old man. If Dole had shown his sense of humor before the election the way he did after, it would have been much closer. Advantage: Clinton.
1992: Clinton vs. George H. W. Bush. Classic case of young versus old. Young guy plays sax on the Arsenio Hall show. Old guy: Not gonna do it. Advantage: Clinton.
1988: Bush vs. Dukakis. Neither one was particularly cool, but in this relativistic world, the former CIA director and WW II veteran beats the Massachusetts liberal who thought it would be a good idea to ride in a tank. Advantage: Bush.
1984: Ronald Reagan vs. Walter Mondale: The Gipper talks shit to the Soviets. Extremely cool. Paves the way to a 49 state electoral thrashing. Advantage: Reagan.
1980: Reagan vs. Jimmy Carter. The Gipper talks shit to a Georgia peanut farmer. Very cool. Advantage: Reagan.
1976: Carter vs. Gerald Ford. Let's be honest, the democrats could have put up Kevin Federline and he would have been perceived as cooler than bumbling Gerald Ford. Plus, pardoning Nixon was uncool. Advantage: Carter.
1972: Richard Nixon vs. George McGovern. Another lesser of two uncool matchups. Nixon is the classic exception to the Parsons theory. Apparently very uncool, he decisively won two presidential elections and may have been robbed of a third against the coolest president of the 20th century.
1968: Nixon vs. Hubert Humphrey. Had Bobby Kennedy not been killed, this would not even be a question. Still, Nixon was definitely not cool. Also, George Wallace's third party candidacy threw the coolness dynamic out of whack. The Parsons theory only works in a two party system.
1964: Lyndon Johnson vs. Barry Goldwater. Unclear who was cooler here. LBJ was a political master and wheeler-dealer. Goldwater was an extreme and unapologetic conservative. But let's be serious. LBJ was still living off the coolness of JFK's ghost. Advantage: LBJ.
1960: John F. Kennedy vs. Nixon. Kennedy, the quintissential cool president, won precisely because Nixon looked so damn uncool in the infamous debate. Advantage: JFK.
1956: Dwight D. Eisenhower vs. Adlai Stevenson. The most anticipated rematch since next year's ND-USC game. Other than Patton, Eisenhower is the era's coolest guy. Stevenson was a classic nerd. No contest. Advantage: Ike.
For further evidence, ask yourself this: who is the coolest president ever? If you're not a jackass, the answer is George Washington. And who is the only president to sweep every electoral vote? Washington. Can't get any cooler than that.
What emerges from these case is a clear picture that coolnes determines electoral success in presidential races. (of course, the notable exception is Nixon. Thoughts?) Thus, my prescription for interested political parties is to recruit the coolest candidate they can find. By 2020, I fully expect a Mr. T vs. Chuck Norris presidential race. My prediction? Pain.
Policies don't matter. The only thing that does is connecting with voters. And the only way to do that is to be "cool."
"Coolness" is the strongest predictor of presidential elections that exists. Simply put, the "cooler" candidate wins every presidential election. To test this theory, let's examine every presidential election in the last 50 years.
2004: George W. Bush vs. John Kerry. One is a Texas cowboy. The other is a pseudo-intellectual Francophile. Advantage: W.
2000: W. vs Al Gore. This time, it's the cowboy against an actual intellectual. While real smart people are cooler than fake smart people, cowboys beat nerds every time. Advantage: W.
1996: Bill Clinton vs. Bob Dole. Say what you will about Clinton, the man was cool. Dole, on the other hand, came off like a crotchety old man. If Dole had shown his sense of humor before the election the way he did after, it would have been much closer. Advantage: Clinton.
1992: Clinton vs. George H. W. Bush. Classic case of young versus old. Young guy plays sax on the Arsenio Hall show. Old guy: Not gonna do it. Advantage: Clinton.
1988: Bush vs. Dukakis. Neither one was particularly cool, but in this relativistic world, the former CIA director and WW II veteran beats the Massachusetts liberal who thought it would be a good idea to ride in a tank. Advantage: Bush.
1984: Ronald Reagan vs. Walter Mondale: The Gipper talks shit to the Soviets. Extremely cool. Paves the way to a 49 state electoral thrashing. Advantage: Reagan.
1980: Reagan vs. Jimmy Carter. The Gipper talks shit to a Georgia peanut farmer. Very cool. Advantage: Reagan.
1976: Carter vs. Gerald Ford. Let's be honest, the democrats could have put up Kevin Federline and he would have been perceived as cooler than bumbling Gerald Ford. Plus, pardoning Nixon was uncool. Advantage: Carter.
1972: Richard Nixon vs. George McGovern. Another lesser of two uncool matchups. Nixon is the classic exception to the Parsons theory. Apparently very uncool, he decisively won two presidential elections and may have been robbed of a third against the coolest president of the 20th century.
1968: Nixon vs. Hubert Humphrey. Had Bobby Kennedy not been killed, this would not even be a question. Still, Nixon was definitely not cool. Also, George Wallace's third party candidacy threw the coolness dynamic out of whack. The Parsons theory only works in a two party system.
1964: Lyndon Johnson vs. Barry Goldwater. Unclear who was cooler here. LBJ was a political master and wheeler-dealer. Goldwater was an extreme and unapologetic conservative. But let's be serious. LBJ was still living off the coolness of JFK's ghost. Advantage: LBJ.
1960: John F. Kennedy vs. Nixon. Kennedy, the quintissential cool president, won precisely because Nixon looked so damn uncool in the infamous debate. Advantage: JFK.
1956: Dwight D. Eisenhower vs. Adlai Stevenson. The most anticipated rematch since next year's ND-USC game. Other than Patton, Eisenhower is the era's coolest guy. Stevenson was a classic nerd. No contest. Advantage: Ike.
For further evidence, ask yourself this: who is the coolest president ever? If you're not a jackass, the answer is George Washington. And who is the only president to sweep every electoral vote? Washington. Can't get any cooler than that.
What emerges from these case is a clear picture that coolnes determines electoral success in presidential races. (of course, the notable exception is Nixon. Thoughts?) Thus, my prescription for interested political parties is to recruit the coolest candidate they can find. By 2020, I fully expect a Mr. T vs. Chuck Norris presidential race. My prediction? Pain.
posted by Rico at 10:29 PM
1 Comments:
That sending off comment about Chuck Norris vs. Mr. T was classic. And the pain perdictionm made me bust up laughing.
-Ed
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