JRicoND: Fuck choo, mang!
ItsaMeNicholas: Choo are a fuckin' cockaroach, mang.

Rules of Gunfighting


US Marine Corps Rules For Gunfighting

1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite and professional, but have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a 4.
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker; distance is your friend. (Lateral and diagonal movement are preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible; protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. In 10 years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating and reloading.
14. Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.
15. When in doubt, fix bayonets, empty the magazine, throw all your grenades, and charge.
16. When in grave doubt, ask the Gunny for advice, which will be to charge faster while shouting graphic descriptions to the enemy of what you are about to do to him. Example: "I am going to kill you, dirtbag! I am going to kill you slow! I am going to skin you and build a kayak out of your ribcage and a humidor out of your skull!"
17. And above all ... don't drop your guard.

US Navy Rules For Gunfighting

1. Go to sea.
2. Drink coffee.
3. Send in the Marines.

US Army Rules For Gunfighting

1. Select a new beret to wear.
2. Sew combat patch on right shoulder.
3. Reconsider the color of beret you decide to wear.
4. Make a movie about a female soldier who forgot to fire her weapon in defense of her unit.
5. Send in the Marines.

US Air Force Rules For Gunfighting

1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. Determine what is a gunfight.
4. Send in the Marines.

Aries: (March 21—April 19)
When people think of all the ways picnics are ruined, it's rare that they come up with even half of the weird shit you've pulled.

Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
There comes a time in all of our lives when we're forced to admit that we need help, though it's not usually with getting a piano off our chests.

Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
By this time next week, you'll be a living example of what it's like to get blued, screwed, and tattooed.

Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
It's actually pretty well known that the "S" in Harry S Truman didn't stand for anything. You'll have to impress girls some other way.

Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
Your politics are tough, but fair. When you say "Put 'em all in camps," you do mean everybody.

Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
The typical Virgo is helpful to a fault, trusting in matters of love, and outgoing. That said, you probably got your powerful thirst for gin from your father.

Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
You've built a reputation as someone not to fuck with, which is unfortunate, as you would really like some fucking.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
Buddha says that, while he may show you the way, only you can truly save yourself, proving once and for all that he's a lazy, fat bastard.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
You haven't seen a lot of coroner's reports, but you're pretty sure yours shouldn't end with the phrase "right in the goddamn nuts!!!"

Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
Making the mature decision to throw out your beer-can collection will offer an added bonus when you find out that some of the cans still have beer in them.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
The government has spent thousands of dollars training you to be a highly efficient killing machine, so please try and act like one from now on.

Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
You'd be a much more trusted and respected member of the community if you would just take your hand out of your pants every now and then.


(Courtesy of The Onion)

Seriously, I don't think I could possibly care less about school than I do right now. It's pretty sad.

"We must recognize that there is no indication that Saddam Hussein has any intention of relenting. So we have an obligation of enormous consequence, an obligation to guarantee that Saddam Hussein cannot ignore the United Nations. He cannot be permitted to go unobserved and unimpeded toward his horrific objective of amassing a stockpile of weapons of mass destruction. This is not a matter about which there should be any debate whatsoever in the Security Council, or, certainly, in this Nation... While we should always seek to take significant international actions on a multilateral rather than a unilateral basis whenever that is possible, if in the final analysis we face what we truly believe to be a grave threat to the well-being of our Nation or the entire world and it cannot be removed peacefully, we must have the courage to do what we believe is right and wise."


This quote is not from George W. Bush. This quote is not from Tony Blair. This quote is from John Kerry on the floor of the United States Senate in 1997. Back then, Senator Kerry advocated strong action against Saddam Hussein, even unilateral action if necessary. So what happened between 1997 and 2003? John Kerry decided he wanted to be president and he saw the reactions Howard Dean was getting by bashing the president and the war. John Kerry: American hero.

Editor's note: I was being sarcastic. I do not, in fact, like John Kerry, as a politician or as a person.

I honestly don't believe there has ever been a more offensive, insulting, despicable piece of television than "The Swan." I must admit that I had many preconceived notions on it, based on the fact that it was on Fox, known for such stellar television as "When Animals Attack the World's WIldest Car Chases." However, I just happened to flip through the channels, and it's on now, and I think I got through about five seconds before being pissed off. These doctors are telling these women they're absolutely hideous, and the show reinforces the idea that women have no value besides beauty. I'm no raging femenist by any stretch, but man this show is insulting and embarassing and I find it sick that it has a place on prime time television.

But that's just my opinion.

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Bob says to Stanley behind him,"My elbow hurts like hell.
I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Stan replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you
what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a lot cheaper than a doctor."


So Bob deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the
computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks."


That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Bob hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

a.. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
b.. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
c.. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
d.. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
e.. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.

Ridiculously awful NBA Playoff Predictions

Pacers over Celtics in 5
Nets over Knicks in 7
Pistons over Bucks in 4
Heat over Hornets in 5

T'Wolves over Nuggets in 4
Lakers over Rockets in 7
Spurs over Grizzlies in 5
Kings over Mavericks in 6

I ended up picking all the favorites, but I'm sure I'll be wrong somewhere (everywhere?).

Apprentice was pretty sweet last night. Although they dragged it along forever, the payoff was pretty cool. Did anybody else notice how stiff Trump looked when they went live? They did a good job of hiding that over the course of the show.

As much as I wanted to see Kwame win, I felt all along that Bill was gonna take it home. If I were Bill, I definitely would have taken the sweet golf course job in southern California over the Chicago job.

And Omarosa still sucks ass.

The Spiderman 2 Trailer, for those who are interested.

Countodown to Summer

6 Papers (April 16, 19, 22, 27, 28, May 3)
2 Presentations (April 21, 22)
4 Tests (May 4, 4, 5, TBA)

Then the party begins. I can feel it.

Have you ever tried... not being a mutant?

Oh, and Happy Easter to all as well.

So Mickelson won the Masters. I know we let sports influence our lives far too much, but I have to say, no sporting event has fulfilled me more than watching Phil sink the putt on the 72nd. When he jumped in the air, I did too. I can only imagine how he felt after he had worked sdo hard for so long and he finally won a major. I really think that the Masters has become my favorite sporting event. A tradition unlike any other, indeed.

Not to mention that I look really smart after calling the win on Friday morning. It just makes it that much sweeter.

The Apprentice last night was pretty sweet, and I must say I'm shocked Kwame's still rolling along. Next week's "Live Grand Finale!!!" should be badass, and I have to put my money on Bill, although I really want to see Kwame take it home. And I couldn't possibly hate Omarosa more. I hope something falls on her head and gives her a concussion. Or kills her. Either way.

Also badass: The trailer for Spiderman 2. I'm not one who usually gets overhyped for movies, but it really looks unbelievably cool. Not to mention that that Tobey Maguire is just so cute.

Quick note on The Masters: I really think Mickelson's got a good shot of winning this year. I know everybody says that every year, but he really is playing smarter and making good decisions. If he can stay close by Sunday, I think he has to be the favorite.

Bookstore Basketball: Monday April 5, most likely 7:15 pm. Come watch as I lead my band of unkempt ballers to the upset of the year over 31st ranked "3 the Hard Way." Seriously, we're gonna need all the help we can get. Holla!

My #1 result for the SelectSmart.com selector, Which Founding Father Are You?, is Benjamin Franklin

Bill Clinton did not apologize for Oklahoma City. Ronald Reagan did not apologize for the Beirut bombing. FDR did not apologize for Pearl Harbor. George W. Bush owes no apology. If an apology is owed, it is owed to the entire country and not just the families, and it is owed by the murderers who planned and carried out Sept. 11.

--Charles Krauthammer

All this and more in a great article found here.

The Apprentice analysis:

Good competition, and both teams did a solid job. Nick and Amy caught a break with the deal that they got and it proved to be the difference.

I disagree with Trump getting rid of Troy, because even if Kwame was more consistent, he never single-handedly won competitions for his team the way that Troy did. That's the way it goes though.

On an unrelated note, Nick's dad was a total jackass on the flight, basically making Nick look like a manwhore.

Updated Apprentice odds:

Amy: 7/5
Bill: 2/1
Nick: 4/1
Kwame: 6/1

Should be interesting next week.