Aries: (March 21—April 19)
When people think of all the ways picnics are ruined, it's rare that they come up with even half of the weird shit you've pulled.

Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
There comes a time in all of our lives when we're forced to admit that we need help, though it's not usually with getting a piano off our chests.

Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
By this time next week, you'll be a living example of what it's like to get blued, screwed, and tattooed.

Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
It's actually pretty well known that the "S" in Harry S Truman didn't stand for anything. You'll have to impress girls some other way.

Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
Your politics are tough, but fair. When you say "Put 'em all in camps," you do mean everybody.

Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
The typical Virgo is helpful to a fault, trusting in matters of love, and outgoing. That said, you probably got your powerful thirst for gin from your father.

Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
You've built a reputation as someone not to fuck with, which is unfortunate, as you would really like some fucking.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
Buddha says that, while he may show you the way, only you can truly save yourself, proving once and for all that he's a lazy, fat bastard.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
You haven't seen a lot of coroner's reports, but you're pretty sure yours shouldn't end with the phrase "right in the goddamn nuts!!!"

Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
Making the mature decision to throw out your beer-can collection will offer an added bonus when you find out that some of the cans still have beer in them.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
The government has spent thousands of dollars training you to be a highly efficient killing machine, so please try and act like one from now on.

Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
You'd be a much more trusted and respected member of the community if you would just take your hand out of your pants every now and then.


(Courtesy of The Onion)